The “Nice” Brigade (and why it’s not worth being a part of)
I was once described as not having a “backbone”. I was nineteen at the time, and it stung.
They weren’t wrong, though.
Rewind back to nineteen-year-old me. I was so focused on pleasing everyone and had learnt that being part of The “Nice” Brigade was a fruitful way to do so. It suited me well: an identity I could adopt to keep the peace. To fit in. To belong.
I had been like this for years and didn’t know any different. This led me to spending my entire twenties being “too nice”.
A decade (and a bit) on from the “backbone” comment, I can now see a life curated around “niceness” isn’t worth pursuing. It gets you nowhere. Yes, it may seem more polite, tactful and diplomatic, but really, it’s quite misleading…
We all have our reasons for being “too nice”. We don’t intend to be deceptive, or false, we just don’t want to rock the boat.
However, this ongoing avoidance of truth only does more harm than good.
The pitfalls of “niceness”:
It’s passive. It’s easy to be nice to everyone. Why? Because it’s not real. It exists to keep the peace.
Keeping the peace (often) means losing your own. It’s exhausting to uphold a version of ourselves in which we aren’t speaking from the Heart. It’s draining. I feel drained even thinking about it.
It’s tough to come back from. People get used to our “niceness” and may unknowingly take advantage of it, or worse, become reliant on that version of us.
Being “too nice” gives doormat energy. “I respect them, they’re really nice,” said no one, ever.
By being overly accommodating, are we really helping others to grow? Speaking truthfully is liberating; hearing it is equally so.
Learning how to communicate when we aren’t happy is a skill; being “nice” doesn’t build it. If we’ve been “nice” for too long, even placing a small boundary can feel extreme. We may feel mean, or selfish, for stating our needs. The more we practice speaking truthfully, the more we build trust within ourselves to do so. It’s a skill to speak so openly from the Heart.
It can lead to resentment. We resent ourselves for giving too much and others for taking it.
When we do finally speak the truth, we hurt others. Being “too nice” can be unintentionally illusive and people feel betrayed by our honesty.
Let’s face it, being “too nice” is a major ick.
I don’t mean to suggest becoming cold, or heartless, or rude. We’ve just got to grow more comfortable with making others uncomfortable, to free ourselves from our “niceness” and compliant behaviour.
It isn’t always easy to speak truthfully: there are reasons why we struggle to do so in the first place.
In some situations, it takes great courage to express honesty and it’s not always received well. We can’t be afraid of this. The more we practice it in our day-to-day lives, the easier it will become when it really matters. (Even though it matters all the time.. really…)
Here are some subtle ways to practice “de-nice-ing” yourself:
Forgive yourself for the times you wish you had been less “nice”. You were doing your best. Now, choose genuine kindness. Allow kindness to empower you.
No guilt needed: you shouldn’t ever feel guilty for speaking from your Heart. Be mindful, sensitive and choose words wisely. Trust that to help carry the words your Heart wishes to speak.
Practice transparency. I’m phasing “I don’t mind” out of my vocabulary. We always know what we want if we tune in. Take the time to do that.
Help others to understand you. Correct people, if needed. It isn’t rude, it’s kind to practice honest communication and gives others the agency to do the same.
Be prepared to be called “difficult” when protecting your peace. The more you do this, the less radical it feels. (NB: You’ll only seem “difficult” to those who have benefited from your “niceness.” Lucky them, while it lasted!)
Seek out the wiggle room in compromise. You are just as important as everyone else. Learn how to express yourself respectfully and with grace.
Practice your grumpy face. I now do this on public transport. I don’t have to smile at E-V-E-R-Y-O-N-E, like I’m waiting for a treat.
“Nice” isn’t niche – it’s generic, and that’s the one thing we are not!
We have the Universe inside of us; it’s time to start acting like it.
Ruffle some feathers and give yourself permission to say what you really mean.
With love,
Jessica xxx