Enough is enough

A dear friend recently gave me a gentle nudge to write (“more blogs please missy!!!”) which at first, I resisted. I’ve been feeling heavy recently and I wasn’t sure how to write from that place. How do I action love in the heaviness? How do I even summon the energy to write? Silly, soppy love blog, argh! Why did I even decide to start you in the first place?!

Moan-ey me, I gave the excuse that my soul has been feeling a bit knocked recently and they said, “write about being knocked?”

I haven’t been able to shake off this provocation. Be brave, do it! I heard my heart whisper. So here I am, a week later, writing about feeling knocked. It feels exposing and vulnerable, but I am letting myself be guided by this whisper…

Am I enough?

It has taken me many, many years to affirm this statement, I am enough. To accept myself, just as I am. My journey towards self-acceptance started a couple of years ago. Up until this point, I carried with me weighty, internalised feelings of shame, guilt and a longing to belong, which impeded my self-belief. This started in my teens and was much worse then. I felt so lost and never properly addressed it. I was living unconsciously with the belief that who I am, wasn’t enough. I wasn’t enough to be seen, accepted or loved. I didn’t think I belonged here.

So – like we all do – I overcompensated. This was self-punishment and I know I am not uncommon in this experience, which is why I am sharing it. I projected the aspects of myself that were accepted, that helped me to feel like I was belonging: my all-loving, playful, helpful self, that so desperately craved validation and visibility. I whacked that up! In doing so, I silenced my anger, invalidating my frustrations and feelings of injustice. To overcome this, I decided to love unconditionally, because I knew Love was the answer. At this point, I directed my love towards everything and everyone, other than myself. Perhaps Love would help me to belong?

 In this state, it didn’t.

A chronic people pleaser, I moved through the world feeling very raw and lacking a serious amount of self-worth. Over a decade of living unauthentically… oh the violins, violins… I exhausted myself. And others close to me, too. That wasn’t loving. What is even more punishing, is that the projection that I worked so hard to maintain determined the trajectory of my life. It was a mask; it wasn’t real. It focused my ambitions, passions, beliefs, friendships and relationships. It had such a hold over me that I didn’t know who I was without it. The exhaustion became too much, and I realised I had to let go of it all.

I began to recognise much of my suffering stemmed from resisting my evolution. There was no other choice than to face the changes I had been so deeply afraid of, so reluctant to make. I had to take my first steps into the unknown and begin navigating how to let go of everything I thought I knew about myself. This required a tremendous amount of patience, forgiveness and strength, which I believe every one of us has in abundance, if nurtured mindfully.

This leads me to the present…

It has been extremely painful letting go of who I thought I was, to become who I am. Or not even become, just be. It has also been confusing. But my grief and confusion are conscious, real, and in that, I already belong more than I ever did before. And I feel more able to love – truly love both inwards and outwards – and for that alone, it’s worth it.

I am enough.  

You are enough.

We are enough.

It is truly a gift to your Soul to give yourself permission to let go of parts of yourself which aren’t “real”. Or at least move towards diminishing them in your day-to-day life. Perhaps there is something you have overcompensated for, a coping mechanism you have used to protect yourself, a cycle or pattern you rely on, something you have suppressed in yourself. Ask yourself, what is underneath that feeling? What am I hiding? It may not be time to let it go yet but letting go begins with subtle acknowledgments. Gently offer it light. Offer it space, without judgement. Yes, it may feel unsettling but trust me, there will be truth there, waiting to emerge.

Remind yourself, you deserve the love you give to others. You deserve to accept yourself for all of your truths – all beauty and all imperfections. You deserve to experience a life of deep connection and belonging. You deserve to feel empowered and free.

You are a courageous, resilient and powerful Soul. Give yourself permission to embrace the truth. Once you begin, there is no turning back, and I truly believe that is the most liberating feeling in the world.

I shall end with one of my favourite Rumi quotes: “Your task is not to seek for love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it.”

Go seek!

With love,

Jessica x